inherent truths

life is really something. isn't it?

fact: life is in the details. the small things that seem insignificant. it is the wind blowing a strand of hair across your face to remind you that you're alive. it is seeing a perfectly healthy seagull with only one foot. it is wearing high heels in the snow when you ought to be wearing boots. it is making friends with the barista who makes your coffee every wednesday morning, or the guy who drives the garbage truck. it is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the american robins in the spring. it is laughing out loud when you're alone. it is the old man running down the boardwalk in american flag running shorts. it is playing a song on repeat for hours. it is taking a nap in the sun. it is catching a glimpse of your reflection and liking what you see.

fact: being silly is a good thing. dance when you hear a song you like. even if you're in the grocery store. crack a lame joke to lighten the mood. feel free to sport lederhosen and perform an accordion concert at a party because you can. play candy land with your adult friends while drinking wine - just because it is ironic. wear ridiculously large sunglasses. have a pencil collection. sing 'tempted by the fruit of another' in public. call out a complete stranger on something funny or embarrassing you witnessed them do. drive with your window down in the winter. buy a snuggie and be proud of it.

fact: i have the greatest nephews in the world. i talked to ethan on the phone the other day. we were about to hang up when he says, 'i love you big. bigger than big.'

fact: it is not easy for me to verbally express my feelings for people. whether it's telling someone i love them or that i miss them. wanting to spend time with you is how i show you that i care. but i've had an 'ah-ha' moment and i now realize that sometimes that isn't enough. i've recently lost one of my best friends because i couldn't communicate how i felt about them and that is the worst. so i have resolved to work on this. and i apologize to any of my friends and family who i've failed to make feel appreciated, cared for, or loved. you mean the world to me.

fact: each of us is damn lucky to be alive. don't ever take it for granted.

fact: global climate change is real. not a hoax. and not natural. sure there are natural sources of carbon dioxide but the current level of proliferation exceeds any historical amounts or cycles. the sooner people stop denying human impact the sooner we can begin to make the major lifestyle changes we need to. i could be on that soapbox all day but i'll step off for now.

stay neat all you weirdos like me.

hazy

i know it's been a while since i last posted.

i've spent the last month trying to make sense of a turn of events that took place in my life. the only thing i have discovered is that some things may never make sense. and that sucks.

it sucks when all you want is to feel okay now. and the only thing that will make you feel okay is time. and when you want time to fly it seems like it only inches along. and in the words of ben harper - 'they say time will make all this go away, but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.' slightly pessimistic but he does have a point.

there is this question i have been pondering lately - how do you know when to let go? when is something no longer worth fighting for?

i want to keep fighting. but i'm not convinced that it is worth it anymore. but at the same time i'm not convinced it isn't. i worry that i'm just stubborn. that i don't want to have been a fool for the past seven months. but there's part of me that can't deny how right it seemed. how right it still seems. but i wonder if i feel that way because i've been conditioned to expect a fairytale. to expect to be the exception.

is there someone out there, someone wiser than me, who can shed some light on my quandary?

i am really trying to have hope that everything will work out for the best. and even though i can't get back all the time and energy i put in to it i won't regret it because you can grow flowers where shit used to be.

please don't mistake this post as a pity party thrown in my honor. i'm not searching for sympathy. i'm just being honest. this is my life. and my life also consists of amazing friends and family. so in the grand scheme of things i am alright. there's just the one rain cloud. and i am praying that it dissipates sooner rather than later.

i won't lie. things have been really hard. but you know... it is usually the hard things that are the best things in the end. don't ever choose something because it is easier than the alternative. you will likely wake up one day and realize that something isn't right.

i have always been a firm believer in the idea that there isn't something so bad there isn't some good that can come of it. since going through this i have begun writing again. i haven't written much since high school and i am finding i miss it more than i realized.

and i must say that i am feeling quite happy at this moment because...

the packers are going to the super bowl!!!

so at least i have something to look forward to, right? that and a trip to a warmer place with my fab roommate. february has great potential.

and so do i.

and so do alternative fuel sources - especially biofuels.  i'm not talking about corn ethanol. i hate that stuff. i'm talking about fueling airplanes with algae (it's been done) or running cars on switchgrass. obviously there are pros and cons. but we are going to run out of petroleum. and it would be good to have an alternative in place before that happens. just a thought.

stay neat all you packer fans.