hazy

i know it's been a while since i last posted.

i've spent the last month trying to make sense of a turn of events that took place in my life. the only thing i have discovered is that some things may never make sense. and that sucks.

it sucks when all you want is to feel okay now. and the only thing that will make you feel okay is time. and when you want time to fly it seems like it only inches along. and in the words of ben harper - 'they say time will make all this go away, but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.' slightly pessimistic but he does have a point.

there is this question i have been pondering lately - how do you know when to let go? when is something no longer worth fighting for?

i want to keep fighting. but i'm not convinced that it is worth it anymore. but at the same time i'm not convinced it isn't. i worry that i'm just stubborn. that i don't want to have been a fool for the past seven months. but there's part of me that can't deny how right it seemed. how right it still seems. but i wonder if i feel that way because i've been conditioned to expect a fairytale. to expect to be the exception.

is there someone out there, someone wiser than me, who can shed some light on my quandary?

i am really trying to have hope that everything will work out for the best. and even though i can't get back all the time and energy i put in to it i won't regret it because you can grow flowers where shit used to be.

please don't mistake this post as a pity party thrown in my honor. i'm not searching for sympathy. i'm just being honest. this is my life. and my life also consists of amazing friends and family. so in the grand scheme of things i am alright. there's just the one rain cloud. and i am praying that it dissipates sooner rather than later.

i won't lie. things have been really hard. but you know... it is usually the hard things that are the best things in the end. don't ever choose something because it is easier than the alternative. you will likely wake up one day and realize that something isn't right.

i have always been a firm believer in the idea that there isn't something so bad there isn't some good that can come of it. since going through this i have begun writing again. i haven't written much since high school and i am finding i miss it more than i realized.

and i must say that i am feeling quite happy at this moment because...

the packers are going to the super bowl!!!

so at least i have something to look forward to, right? that and a trip to a warmer place with my fab roommate. february has great potential.

and so do i.

and so do alternative fuel sources - especially biofuels.  i'm not talking about corn ethanol. i hate that stuff. i'm talking about fueling airplanes with algae (it's been done) or running cars on switchgrass. obviously there are pros and cons. but we are going to run out of petroleum. and it would be good to have an alternative in place before that happens. just a thought.

stay neat all you packer fans.