inherent truths

life is really something. isn't it?

fact: life is in the details. the small things that seem insignificant. it is the wind blowing a strand of hair across your face to remind you that you're alive. it is seeing a perfectly healthy seagull with only one foot. it is wearing high heels in the snow when you ought to be wearing boots. it is making friends with the barista who makes your coffee every wednesday morning, or the guy who drives the garbage truck. it is anxiously awaiting the arrival of the american robins in the spring. it is laughing out loud when you're alone. it is the old man running down the boardwalk in american flag running shorts. it is playing a song on repeat for hours. it is taking a nap in the sun. it is catching a glimpse of your reflection and liking what you see.

fact: being silly is a good thing. dance when you hear a song you like. even if you're in the grocery store. crack a lame joke to lighten the mood. feel free to sport lederhosen and perform an accordion concert at a party because you can. play candy land with your adult friends while drinking wine - just because it is ironic. wear ridiculously large sunglasses. have a pencil collection. sing 'tempted by the fruit of another' in public. call out a complete stranger on something funny or embarrassing you witnessed them do. drive with your window down in the winter. buy a snuggie and be proud of it.

fact: i have the greatest nephews in the world. i talked to ethan on the phone the other day. we were about to hang up when he says, 'i love you big. bigger than big.'

fact: it is not easy for me to verbally express my feelings for people. whether it's telling someone i love them or that i miss them. wanting to spend time with you is how i show you that i care. but i've had an 'ah-ha' moment and i now realize that sometimes that isn't enough. i've recently lost one of my best friends because i couldn't communicate how i felt about them and that is the worst. so i have resolved to work on this. and i apologize to any of my friends and family who i've failed to make feel appreciated, cared for, or loved. you mean the world to me.

fact: each of us is damn lucky to be alive. don't ever take it for granted.

fact: global climate change is real. not a hoax. and not natural. sure there are natural sources of carbon dioxide but the current level of proliferation exceeds any historical amounts or cycles. the sooner people stop denying human impact the sooner we can begin to make the major lifestyle changes we need to. i could be on that soapbox all day but i'll step off for now.

stay neat all you weirdos like me.

hazy

i know it's been a while since i last posted.

i've spent the last month trying to make sense of a turn of events that took place in my life. the only thing i have discovered is that some things may never make sense. and that sucks.

it sucks when all you want is to feel okay now. and the only thing that will make you feel okay is time. and when you want time to fly it seems like it only inches along. and in the words of ben harper - 'they say time will make all this go away, but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.' slightly pessimistic but he does have a point.

there is this question i have been pondering lately - how do you know when to let go? when is something no longer worth fighting for?

i want to keep fighting. but i'm not convinced that it is worth it anymore. but at the same time i'm not convinced it isn't. i worry that i'm just stubborn. that i don't want to have been a fool for the past seven months. but there's part of me that can't deny how right it seemed. how right it still seems. but i wonder if i feel that way because i've been conditioned to expect a fairytale. to expect to be the exception.

is there someone out there, someone wiser than me, who can shed some light on my quandary?

i am really trying to have hope that everything will work out for the best. and even though i can't get back all the time and energy i put in to it i won't regret it because you can grow flowers where shit used to be.

please don't mistake this post as a pity party thrown in my honor. i'm not searching for sympathy. i'm just being honest. this is my life. and my life also consists of amazing friends and family. so in the grand scheme of things i am alright. there's just the one rain cloud. and i am praying that it dissipates sooner rather than later.

i won't lie. things have been really hard. but you know... it is usually the hard things that are the best things in the end. don't ever choose something because it is easier than the alternative. you will likely wake up one day and realize that something isn't right.

i have always been a firm believer in the idea that there isn't something so bad there isn't some good that can come of it. since going through this i have begun writing again. i haven't written much since high school and i am finding i miss it more than i realized.

and i must say that i am feeling quite happy at this moment because...

the packers are going to the super bowl!!!

so at least i have something to look forward to, right? that and a trip to a warmer place with my fab roommate. february has great potential.

and so do i.

and so do alternative fuel sources - especially biofuels.  i'm not talking about corn ethanol. i hate that stuff. i'm talking about fueling airplanes with algae (it's been done) or running cars on switchgrass. obviously there are pros and cons. but we are going to run out of petroleum. and it would be good to have an alternative in place before that happens. just a thought.

stay neat all you packer fans.

without excuse

do you ever not love who you are?

STOP THAT! right now.

be nice to you. give yourself a break.  don't sabotage your happiness!

the older i get (at the ripe old age of 23!) the more i understand the importance of accepting yourself for who you are. if you are struggling with this, make a list, an actual, physical list of all the things you like about yourself. sit down and really think about it. ask your friends and family to contribute too. i bet the list you come up with is fairly extensive. 

also... i am pretty sure it's a bad idea to compare yourself to other people. don't make excuses for who you are! embrace it. give yourself a hug. each person is unique and has something special to offer.  and if a person comes into your life and can't realize that, dismiss them from your company. it's their loss and they're not worth your time. better people will come along who will be able to appreciate your many wonderful qualities. (pardon the cheese factor!)

if you don't love you, how can you expect anyone else to?

easier said than done? definitely. but your happiness depends on it. so, at the very least, it's worth  giving it a try. i work on this regularly. i know it's shocking news that i don't have everything figured out. but i don't. once in a while i catch myself wondering if i'm pretty enough. or funny enough. or witty enough. when i find myself in that place i consult my people who jump at the opportunity to sing my praises and inflate my ego.

all that is not to say that self-improvement is a bad thing.  i have recently developed a love-hate relationship with jillian michaels. i hate that i have to sit down in the shower to shave my legs. but i love the promise of smaller pants. the only way you're going to truly improve however, is if you are doing it for yourself. don't let anyone else dictate the decisions you make or tell you how to live your life. it is yours after all. besides, no one knows what makes you happy better than you.

if you embark on a self-improvement quest because you want to and you set your own goals the end result is far more satisfying.

like me FINALLY winning a hand of skip-bo. after 14 rounds of losing, i won one. and it was glorious just as i predicted it would be. (ever notice how awkward the phrase 'won one once' is?) and if that is the last one i ever win, that's okay because i did it once! to some one victory may not seem like much but this particular victory marked the accomplishment of my goal. to win. and win i did.

second goal of the night: guess michael's naughty name. which i also accomplished.  it is michael edward.

now i am going to attempt to tackle my control issues. a slightly more difficult task than the former two but attainable nonetheless. i never really knew i had them. at least until my friend's mom so kindly pointed it out. maybe that's why i eat my m&ms in order of the colors i like the least (brown-red-blue-green-orange-yellow). and that's likely where my fear of commitment stems from. and probably why i've never been in love. but i'm opening up to the possibility. and i'm beginning to think that loneliness is worse than rejection. wish me luck.

i have another, less attainable goal... to save the world. starting with the arctic national wildlife refuge. this lovely place is being threatened by evil oil-mongers. it needs to be protected as it is the one of most pristine places in the world. and home to several keystone species such as the polar bear. we need polar bears more than we need oil. if you're with me go to I Heart The Arctic website to sign a petition admonishing Obama to preserve it.

my eco-friendly tip this time - the combustion of fossil fuels is bad for the environment. drive less. turn off the lights when you leave a room. easy peasy. there are three benefits of doing these things: reduce greenhouse gas emissions, save money, and be liked more by me.

to those who care about the arctic: stay neat.

to those who don't: become neat, please.

circle of life

lately i have been contemplating the idea of fairness. it sure is a bummer that not all people are free from worrying about money or never experience heartache or loss. but it really irks me when i hear someone say, "that's not fair." 

what is 'fair'? 

is it fair that we in the U.S. never have to worry about religious persecution while christians in China have to go to church underground and live in constant fear of losing their lives if discovered? is it fair that people in third and fourth world countries have to live in poverty so that developed countries can maintain a high standard of living?  

i am not suggesting that it's bad to wish your life was different. i'll be the first to admit that i have those days. but instead of complaining about it or feeling sorry for myself i slip into my oversize sweatpants and granny panties, grab a pint of ben & jerry's 'imagine whirled peace' ice cream, and pop in a flick about someone whose life is far more deplorable than mine. and i feel instantly better.

after much consideration i have decided that the only thing fair in this life is death. no matter who you are or how much money you have (or lack), you will die. so cease feeling sorry for yourself and make sure that you live the life you've been given before it's too late. 

this is not to say that i don't fantasize about karma (or a similar higher power) keeping the universe in balance. when i watch the vikings games i can't help but think, "karma's a bitch, brett favre (and so are you). and that's what you get for being too proud to admit that you're too old to play pro football. and for breaking the hearts of millions of packer fans." i mean, i do feel sorry for him when he gets hurt; i'm not sick enough to rejoice when a grandpa breaks his ankle or has to get stitches in his chin. however, he should have quit while he was ahead. and wearing a green jersey. 

yeah... i'm bitter. 

speaking of bitter and unfair... i hate the game skip-bo (aka spite & malice). how about my 0-13 record? justin is 8-5, amy is 3-10, michael is 2-11. and i am ZERO for thirteen. you may wonder why i continue to torture myself. it is because one of these days i will win and it will be glorious.

cosmic encounter is a whole other story, however. suffice it to say, i dominate. 2-0 for me last night. and unlike skip-bo, this game is based mostly on skill. i feel vindicated. if you are a board game aficionado it would be an injustice for you not to play this game. it's delightfully dorky and crazy fun. 

it is essentially me in board game form. 

i am proud to be in the ranks of dorkdom. it gives me pleasure to include eco friendly tips in my posts, even though i'm pretty sure it solidifies my position as dork extraordinaire. the tip for this post is inspired by the overwhelming smell of taco meat that is presently taking over my apartment (the worst part is that the smell is coming from the neighboring unit). 

since it's too cold outside to open a window, a candle unfortunately becomes the best weapon in my arsenal to fight the smell of dead animal. and while my bath and body works candles will make my room smell amazing, relief of the stench of taco would come at a cost and may be hazardous to my health. so i woefully resolve to live with the smell that is wafting through my walls.

"por que (why)?" you may ask. well allow me to be the bearer of bad news.

the wax in most candles is made with paraffin which is petroleum based. and i hope that at this point you realize that petroleum is a non-renewable resource and its production causes pollution. additionally, burning traditional candles causes indoor air pollution as oils used to scent the candles are toxic when burned. 

so, next time you buy a candle consider purchasing a soy, pure beeswax, or vegetable-oil-based candle as these are naturally occurring products and are non-toxic. my favorite places to find such candles are target and the body shop. they smell just as good and your lungs and mother earth will thank you. 

stay neat, peeps.

unbound

after my first post my roommate queried as to the name of my blog. so i decided to write a post in response. 

as you may very well know i have the tendency to break a few rules once in a while. and by 'a few' i mean i break every rule i think i can get away with breaking... and then some.

contrary to what i was told as a child, rule breaking generally pays off.  it is the times i think for myself or do things my own way that i discover most about myself and what surrounds me. either that or i have a good story to share at game night. moral of the story kids, do try this at home. give them hell.

take for example my most recent exchange with an officer of the law. would you have thought that a post card from victoria's secret was a sufficient substitute for a driver's license? it was for me. needless to say i wasn't cited for my 12mph discrepancy. i suppose i ought not brag. it would serve me right to be ticketed tomorrow.

knock on wood. 

that's the thing though with breaking rules. it does not come without risk. so the only advisement i offer is to make sure it's worth it to you. if you think you'll be able to walk away regret free then go for it! and if you do it with no malice in your heart then your jiminy cricket should have no qualms.

while i am a huge proponent of living by your own rules that does not mean i think they are all bad. we can't have a world where everyone runs around willy-nilly doing whatever they want. but it pains me to see a bunch of mindless robots walking around living their lives as dictated by someone or something else.

so there it is. hell-bound for sure. d: who's with me?

i know i said i would post an eco-friendly tip but i am going to break my own rule. 

this time i would like to call attention to the fact that it is breast cancer awareness month. susan g. komen for the cure reported that in 2010 somewhere in the world, every 69 seconds a woman dies of breast cancer. holy shit. this is out of control. 

from what i can tell most of the big events for the month have passed but you can still do something. if you are a fan of yogurt i recommend you stock up on yoplait. they are spearheading a campaign in which they donate thirty cents for each lid that gets sent in by consumers. it is an easy, and tasty way to care!

i'd like to dedicate this post in memory of my grandma evelyn who died of breast cancer in '94. you left us too soon but live on in our hearts.

stay neat, all!

another snuggie sunday

as i was sitting alone in my apartment this morning talking aloud to myself i decided that i might as well write down my random thoughts instead of wasting them on non-existent ears. and while i like to pretend that the football players, seemingly only a few feet away from me, can hear me yelling at them, i realize they cannot. or else they'd probably be playing better. and sadly i don't live in toy story world where bear and mooska are actually alive.

i had a vision of my future self just now... and it isn't pretty folks. i was sitting, watching football, in a well-worn leopard print snuggie. drinking coffee. with a big brown bunny as my sole companion. yikes!

quick side note... let me offer you a word of advice about 'big brown bunny'... i suggest you avoid doing a google image search of that particular phrase. you will find yourself viewing more than a few unsavory images... lots of cook-a-boos and penetration and things these innocent eyes need not see. feel free to look into it though if you're interested in that sort of thing. no judgments if you are.

i have a confession. and as i won't judge you i trust you'll reciprocate the gesture. here goes...
i was freezing all night last night and i couldn't figure out why. until this morning. when i realized that the window right by my bed was open a crack. oye... blond moment of the day has been had. i am allowed one a day, you see, since i was born a blondie even though i am no longer a member of the light hair persuasion.

seeing as how i live in the great state of minnesota it's that time of year that i dread... the inevitable passing of summer. however, the cooler weather is made sweeter by the many great things fall brings... like football and sending the little ones back to school. and if you haven't made it out to an apple orchard or bonfire yet this season, i suggest you do so stat. it's too bad i can't have all the beautiful colors and lovely scents and tasty foods and still have the temperature be above 70 degrees. but if you get yourself a hot apple cider and find a buddy to snuggle up with fireside you'll warm up to the idea of cooler weather as i have.

to make things even better, it is the first fall that i have not gone back to school. feel free to congratulate me. anyways, as a recent post-grad with a bachelor's degree in environmental studies i feel that i should put my education to use. so i have decided to include an eco-friendly tip in each of my posts.

i am noticing that it is the best time of year to decorate eco-friendly. i was at my friend jen's house last night and she had a great centerpiece on her table... it was a tray piled high with miniature pumpkins and gourds. it was so cute! another option would be filling a big glass bowl or hurricane with red and green apples, limes, pomegranates, cranberries, etc... you could also forage for acorns, pine cones, and paper birch bark. that is going to be my project on my day off tomorrow... if i can get my lazy butt out of my snuggie that is.

today is a beautiful day and tomorrow is going to be AWESOME.
stay neat!